In peer support, we talk a lot about lived and living experience (the stuff you’ve done and the stuff you’re currently doing). 

Something I try to do regularly, both personally and professionally, is keep expanding my experience, not just by surviving hard things, but by paying attention to what they’re teaching me.

Recently, someone asked me what people most want support with and the answer that came to mind immediately was the voice in our heads.

It’s not always loud but it’s often relentless.

I’ve developed a lot of tools over the years to deal with that voice — some from training, some from experience, and some from just trial and error. 

But recently, about four years into my peer support journey, I came across a video that stopped me in my tracks; What to do if your inner voice is cruel | Ethan Kross.

That’s what this blog is all about.

I’ll walk you through what the inner voice is, why it turns on us, and what the science says we can do about it. I’ll share a few stories, then give you a step-by-step tool you can start using today.

By the end, you’ll have a better understanding of how to manage chatter and a ritual-building guide to help you feel more grounded, even when your mind’s all over the place.

Let’s begin!

The Science of Chatter

The video is by Ethan Kross, a psychologist and author of Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. The video is called, What to do if your inner voice is cruel. In it, he says:

“We spend between one-third and one-half of our waking hours not living in the present. And what are we doing during that time? We’re talking to ourselves.”

It’s kind of wild when you think about it. This constant, low-grade narrator is supposed to help us. It’s there to help us plan, make decisions, rehearse for conversations, remember who we are. 

But there’s a shadow side to it. And that’s what Kross calls chatter.

“Chatter refers to the dark side of the inner voice. When we turn our attention inward to make sense of our problems, we don’t end up finding solutions. We end up ruminating, worrying, catastrophizing.”

I’ve seen this play out more times than I can count. In myself. In peers. In people who were already doing all the “right things” but still felt hijacked by that voice.

I remember supporting someone who couldn’t stop replaying a moment where they froze up in a work meeting. They kept saying, “I sounded so stupid. Everyone saw I didn’t belong.” 

The actual moment had passed. No one else brought it up. But inside their head, it was still happening. Still spiraling. That’s chatter.

And if I’m honest… 

It happens to me all the time.

Why the Inner Voice Matters More Than We Realize

What hit me hardest about Kross’s video wasn’t just the emotional toll, it was the physical toll. 

He explains that chatter keeps our stress response active, even after the stressful event has passed.

We think the problem is over, but our body doesn’t. And over time, that prolonged stress has been linked to inflammation, heart issues, even cancer.

And it’s about connection, too. 

When we’re lost in chatter, we’re not really present with others. We’re distracted. We’re agitated. Sometimes we snap at the wrong person, or miss the moment that could’ve helped us feel grounded again.

So the question becomes: what do we do about it?

The Surprising Power of Rituals

This is where the science gets interesting and hopeful.

Kross says one of the best tools for managing chatter is something most of us already do in small ways: rituals.

“A ritual is an ordered sequence of behaviors that you rigidly perform the same way each time… That gives you a sense of order and control.”

Take Rafael Nadal, for example. 

During every break in a tennis match, he drinks from two water bottles in the same order and places them at the exact same diagonal. It’s not superstition, it’s a coping tool. 

A way to anchor himself when his mind wants to spiral.

Rituals create structure that creates safety. Especially when our thoughts feel unsafe.

Which brings me to something I’ve found incredibly helpful — not just in my own life, but in supporting others.

How to Build a Ritual

If you’ve read Atomic Habits by James Clear, you’ll know about a technique called habit stacking. It works like this:

Take something you already do automatically, and stack a new habit or ritual right after it.

Here’s a step-by-step way to build your own ritual to manage chatter:

Step-by-Step Ritual Builder

1. Identify a Trigger Moment
   
   • When does your chatter show up the loudest?
   • Examples: after checking email, before a work call, when you wake up
     
2. Pick a Grounding Action
   
   • Choose something simple and repeatable:
     
     • Breathing in for 4, holding for 4, exhaling for 4
     • Repeating an affirmation (“This isn’t permanent. I’m safe.”)
     • Placing your hand on your chest and taking one mindful breath
     • Writing one sentence in a journal
       
3. Stack It With a Routine
   
   • Pair it with a habit you already do:
     
     • “After I make coffee, I’ll write one grounding sentence.”
     • “Before I log into work, I’ll do my breath ritual.”
     • “After brushing my teeth, I’ll repeat my affirmation in the mirror.”

Tips From A Peer Support Worker:

• Keep it simple: Your ritual doesn’t have to be big to be powerful. In fact, it’s better if it’s small enough to do even when you’re tired.
• Repeat it daily: Repetition is what turns a one-time effort into a support system.

Here’s how that looked in my own life:

1. Trigger Moment: Mornings were the hardest. For some reason, when I’d wake up, my mind would immediately start racing — fear, doubt, anger, sometimes all of it at once.
   
2. Grounding Action: I started doing a brain dump journal. No structure, no rules — just writing whatever came up to get it out of my head.
   
3. Habit Stack: After a while, I started feeling better. Not amazing, but better. So I added one more step: I placed a water bottle on top of the journal. The ritual became: drink, then write.

Chatter Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken

If this is new to you… good! That means you’re learning something that might actually help.

If this is something you’ve struggled with silently, even better. Because it means you’re not alone.  And you’re not broken. You’re human.

To quote Ethan Kross one last time:

“Are you weaker for experiencing chatter? Absolutely not. You are human for experiencing chatter.”

That’s what peer support is all about. Sitting with people in their humanness. And sometimes, the best tool is the one that helps you return to yourself, one small ritual at a time.

But what do you think?

Is there a ritual or rituals that help you with chatter? Is this concept new to you? Send me a message via one of my channels and let me know. If you know someone who could use a little more ritual and a little less chatter in their life feel free to share this blog with them.

For more on peer support and mental wellness guides check out the full website by clicking here.

Until next time, I'm Jeff Turner, and remember...
Take care of yourself however that looks to you!