Ever been in a conversation where something shifts, and suddenly you don’t know what to say?
In peer support, that happens a lot.
Someone shares something heavy, unexpected, or deeply personal and your brain starts sprinting: Do I ask something? Do I share something? Do I just... sit here?
When I first started doing this work, I found myself in that place all the time.
So I came up with a system to help.
It’s called A.M.E.R., a simple, repeatable loop I use to check in with myself, make a choice, and stay grounded in the moment.
It doesn’t give you the perfect thing to say (nothing really does), but it helps you stay present.
You start listening better. You notice what’s not being said. You pause more. You rush less.
Whether you’re in a peer support role or someone who ends up in deep conversations a lot, A.M.E.R. helps you read the moment, respond with care, and adjust as things unfold.
Let me show you how it works.
A.M.E.R. is a simple 4-step loop that helps you figure out how to respond especially in conversations that feel emotional, complex, or high-stakes.
It stands for:
Don’t think of this like a checklist, think of it more like a rhythm. It’s something you can return to any time the moment shifts.
And it works at different speeds.
In a group setting, I might have time to prepare and choose my approach. On a call line, I’ve got seconds.
Same loop, with a different tempo.
Because safety matters for the person you’re supporting and for you!
People often ask me, “What if I say the wrong thing?” or “How do I keep from oversharing?”
And the truth is… there’s no perfect answer. What’s “wrong” is often subjective, and learning not to overshare takes practice.
But that’s why A.M.E.R. is so useful.
It gives you something to lean on while you’re still learning. You don’t have to have it all figured out (if that’s even possible). But having a rhythm helps you stay grounded, so you can show up with care, stay present, and make space that feels safer for everyone involved.
Every conversation starts here, whether you realize it or not.
Assessment isn’t always about what someone says. Many studies have shown it to be the opposite. A lot of it has to do with how they say it.
And just as importantly: how are you doing at this moment?
Are you grounded? Activated? Rushing to respond?
Are you safe — physically, emotionally, mentally?
This is your first internal checkpoint and there are so many factors that go into how you assess.
If I’m facilitating a class, I have time to prepare. I can look over the material, plan with my co-facilitator, and think through the tone I want to set. That’s still assessment, but at a slower pace, with more room to be thoughtful.
But on a call line or somewhere with a more immediate interaction, I don’t have as much time to assess.
Same skill, different tempo.
Knowing this doesn’t mean the conversation won’t be hard, it means you’re starting from a place of awareness.
Once you’ve assessed the situation, the next step is choosing how to engage.
This is where a lot of people get stuck. Not because they don’t care, but because they care so much they don’t want to get it “wrong”.
Your method of engagement is the intentional response you choose based on what you noticed during your assessment.
Here are a few methods you might choose:
There’s no one right method and that’s the point.
It’s not about reacting automatically. It’s about responding intentionally, in a way that fits the moment, the person, and your own capacity. about responding intentionally, in a way that fits the moment, the person, and your own capacity.
You’ve assessed the situation. You’ve chosen how to engage. Now you do it.
Ask the question. Share the reflection. Hold the space. Offer the resource.
Whatever method you landed on, this is where it happens.
The key here is to stay present.
Sometimes we get so focused on what we’re going to say that we stop paying attention to how it’s landing.
Remember – no matter how short or long – this is a relationship. It's not about delivering a line, it’s about being with someone (boundaries strongly encouraged).
And if it doesn’t “land” how you expected… that’s okay! Because the next step will help with that.
After you’ve engaged, pause.
What shifted?
Did the person open up more?
Did the energy shift for “better” or “worse”?
Did they go quiet? Did you?
Re-assessment is where you check in again. Not just with them, but with yourself.
People change in real time. And so do we. This step is what makes AMER a loop.
It brings you right back to the beginning, so you can keep adjusting as the conversation unfolds.
When you build the habit of reassessing, you give yourself permission to be flexible. You don’t have to get it perfect.
Like any skill, this gets easier with practice.
You don’t have to wait for the “perfect” moment to use AMER. In fact, some of the best learning comes from reflecting on conversations you’ve already had.
Here are a few ways to practice:
Tip from a Peer Support Worker: Mastery (in this case) is an illusion. I can't tell you how many times I've done one thing that created a powerful connection or insight for someone only to try and replicate it and have it have little to no effect with another.
You practice to make it familiar. The more you use it, the more natural it becomes.
Eventually, you won’t be thinking through each letter. You’ll be doing it naturally.
Give it a try and let me know what you think. You can always reach out through my website or message me on any of my channels. I’d love to hear how it goes for you.
And if you know someone who's been trying to get better at communication (especially in those hard-to-navigate moments) feel free to share this with them.
To be the first to get more stories, tools, and life experiments like this, subscribe to the email list at thejeffturner.ca.
Until next time, I’m Jeff and remember to take care of yourself, however that looks to you!